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the handsome loser

The life and times of a handsome loser. Humor. Love. Sex. Dating. Life.

A Night With Allan, Flying Pizzas, Fighting Hookers and an Image Re-launch.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

In between posts on my wonderful date, let me tell you about my friend, Allan. One night we were out 'on the sauce'. 'Drunk' seems a somewhat feeble description for our condition but it'll do for now. We'd been celebrating the fact that, after eighteen months of aborted attempts, Allan had finally asked out the girl at work he was crazy about. She'd said 'no' but that wasn't the point. The point was that, for the first time in his life, Allan had had the balls to ask out a girl. He was thirty two at the time and he had been out with girls before but never been the one to make the first step. With Allan, either the girl made the move or they were both spending so much time together that eventually they realised that were already kind of going out. I mean, this is a guy so unsure of himself that even if he was actually having sex with a girl he might be inclined to ask, 'Do you mind if I thrust a bit?' That's Allan.

Anyhow, we're celebrating this huge step in his life and we're wandering down the street attempting to sing Queen's Greatest Hits- the seventies one, of course- from start to finish. We're in the middle of Flash, when Allan decides that he's had enough of the messy Pizza in his hand and decides to throw it in the trash- from forty feet away. Suffice to say the pizza gets nowhere near the target. It hurtles through the atmosphere like a melted flying saucer and comes to rest, butter side down, on a woman's leg. We laugh and apologize and laugh more and realize that this is no ordinary woman. She's a hooker- a transvestite hooker and she's got a wide trail of tomato gloop and meatballs smeared down her leg. Foolishly, this makes us laugh even more. I mean, what a couple of assholes. Next, thing I know, in the blink of an eye, the hooker is beating on Allan.

At first, I'm still laughing, until it becomes apparent that this beating is starting to get serious. She- and she's a big for a she, even for a she/he, muscular, fit looking- wrestles him to the ground and starts kicking his ribs. Suddenly, it's not funny anymore and I have to do something. I drag her off- getting an elbow in the nose for my troubles- and all of a sudden there are other hookers around us, shouting and screaming, throwing slaps and kicks at us. I'm trying to calm the situation down but seconds later I have a pimp in my face. Eight seconds ago I'm giving it 'What do you mean, Flash Gordon approaching?' and now I'm getting my balls kicked in by prostitutes and being stared down by the most terrifying eyes God has ever seen fit to put in a human head. I try to explain to the pimp- yes, I am on the official list of people who have, in their lifetime, tried to explain themselves to a pimp- but I am told that I 'will shut the fuck up' and quite frankly I will and I do. Already, I'm imagining where my body is going to be dumped or if he's going to force me into the sex trade to rent out my handsome ass. The worst case scenarios come fast and furious but the pimp quickly calms the whole scene down. He tells us that we are to walk away and never return to his patch lest we wish to die. We explain that we will not be wishing to die in the near future and that he need not worry about seeing us again. We walk on, but not before he gives us both a couple of emasculating kicks in the ass.

The funny thing is, that's almost a typical night out for Allan. He is a disaster magnet. You probably know someone like that. Maybe it's you.

Anyhow, finally getting to the crux, Allan called me earlier and asked if I'd like to go out for a drink as he is 're-launching himself with a new image'. I said, 'What?' He said, 'I'm having an image re-launch.' I say, 'You're not David Bowie. You stack shelves in a supermarket. Shelve stackers don't have image re-launches.' He says, 'Why not?' and I don't really have a good answer to that. I suppose everyone is equally entitled to re-launch themselves if they feel the need. I'm intrigued by this because he's not the kind of guy who calls up and acts the clown. He's quite serious and deep and there must be something going on in his head. Anyhow, I'm going out tonight and if there's anything good to report, I'll let you know. Hopefully there will be no fighting with the ladyboys of the night this time.

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posted by handsomeloser, 4:51 AM

4 Comments:

That was a great post! Thanks for the visit!

I will be sure to come back again.
You should enter my BE contest on powersongs...if it is queen..so be it! I just think it's funny you guys got beat by a tranny when singing Queen....lol...dunno maybe it's me!
commented by Blogger Ellie, 7:07 AM  
Well, it's funny now, of course. But it was briefly terrifying.
commented by Blogger handsomeloser, 7:33 AM  
Hilarious! And I do know someone just like him...a friend who ended up in a similar situation with a transvestite on a boys holiday to Gran Canaria in 1990!
commented by Blogger DBA Lehane, 12:15 PM  
windscreen:fly

It's amazing how many of us guys know someone with a transvestite story.
commented by Blogger handsomeloser, 2:39 PM  

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